Rolling in the deep … desperation

Blog is where I can put all my thoughts into it, expressing all kinds of ups and downs happening in my mind. Sorry to anyone who made a subscription to my blog if sometimes, your email was informed of a post, which seems to be too banal or moody.

One topic, which you would find the main in my blog is success. I do not know but I am really craving for success. You may ask me how I define success. There exists lots of definition of success in the Internet and there have been ways of console as well for ones who have not found the success. Sometimes, I find myself trapped in a conflict. I want  to keep my study result perfect at school at the cost of a lot of opportunities. But at the same time, I am envious with someone who has lots of extraordinary experiences like going abroad on an exchange program or something like that and as far as I know, they have to sacrifice some to gain this.

Yesterday, to be more exact, my mind was riven with two different things. I ignored all the stuff used for final exam, concentrating on becoming mad for two things.

In the first hour, I spent time watching a presentation of a group of students coming from NUS for their business case analysis in Copenhagen Business School Case Competition.Case competition is of my interest for nearly one year but only in this year have I made a registration to one. In fact, I made one at the beginning of this year (You still remember the post about GBC 2011) but due to limited time, the inability to commit of other team mates and my family’s own affair, I could not actualize this plan. It is really a good presentation if you know the fact that they have only 32 hours to prepare for the case and the slide as well. The slide is also very well -prepared with 105 pages. It seems to be a very great effort as you know 32 hours for both seeking information, coming up with solution, preparing for the presentation and designing such a professional slide.

This fact makes me intimidated. Can my group work toward this? We even do not have any ideas of management barring the trivial stuff we may learn through Internet or the case studies that we haven’t given a chance to solve in Market Leader course. It is no use blaming on anybody for this. We are in lacks of strong foundation and we are trying to get the best from all things we have. I told myself not to be afraid, it will be alright and being frightened just prevents me from going far. I try to listened to the whole presentation, observing the Q&A part carefully and surprised to see that this part is somehow acquaint to me but to reach this level of confidence, there must have been much more. And while browsing more about the champion, I also find out that they were also the winner in HSBC McKinsey Case Challenge. How awe-inspiring they are!

The other story relates to a friend of mine. To be honest, I do not like her. Sometime you may dislike someone but you are also in a good term with them. This may be true to my circumstances. I knew her at high school and we both worked for English Club. She seems to be really dynamic as she has attended a lot of extracurricular activities since she was at high school with a view to studying in the USA in someday. However, whenever talking to her, a sense of annoying really comes up in my mind. Maybe it is due to her manner, quite overconfident, arrogant, self-righteous and she seems to show off that she is coming from  a prestigious school and she is very good at activities or something like that. But the way she talked and worked  always made me frustrated. She attends a lot of activities but when talking to a sophomore, she tries to advise her not to attend anything because it will make this girl tired. It may be just my personal feelings but I do not like her, honestly. But yesterday, while wandering around Facebook,  I saw her status about an interview which may make her turn the leaf of her life. And my sense told me that it must be Global Ugrad. My curiosity led me to make a comment on her status. As I anticipated, it is Ugrad.:-< I made a sigh.

You may think that I am too self-fish and envious of the other’s success. It would be a lie if I said that there is nothing like this. Or you may say that I am a bad girl because I am envious with the girl I don’t like. It would be also a lie if I denied this. Anyway, she deserves it. She has made a good preparation since she was at high school. She participated in lots of activities, especially English Club. While I concentrated on my study for University entrance examination, she still devoted to the club. It may be redeeming point for her. She attended a host of activities at school, and recently in  a program of US Embassy . This will be an advantage as Global Ugrad is a scholarship granted by the US. She had a good relationship with teachers in both university and high school. At university, she is responsible for her faculty’s newsletter and at high school, her mother is a teacher here. Her GPA is not flying color but I think that it is not too terrible. She had many factors to reach her dream and she deserves it.

What makes me sigh here?

I have abandoned this opportunity. One year ago, I have promised to myself that I will attend Global Ugrad. But what happened? I have not made any progress since then. I have not taken IELTS or TOEFL ( It is too expensive and takes effect for only 2 years). I do not attend much activities. (I have tried to apply somewhere but all opportunities seem to turn off at me). I do  not know where to start, I do not have a clear direction. And by the time Ugrad coming, I also intended to apply but when one alumni said that TOEFL or IELTS is preferred, I was almost disappointed. And when all things come like exams, assignments, club’s work, I have no mood for thinking about it. A week before the deadline, I was crazy between choices. And I chose to quit and at this time, I have told myself not to be regretful or envious if I saw someone to be successful with this.  Sometimes, I do not know why I am that terrible. I have expected myself to be extraordinary but I am in desperation. I do not know how to escape this feeling but it is really terrible. Sometimes, I try to console myself with a few things I have: A good GPA, good ability of Chinese, have lots of good friends and … what … It is significant but it seems not to meet my satisfaction.So when I made sigh, I was totally disappointed with myself.

As is said in Horoscope, the one who was born under Cancer seems to have lots of complicated stuff embedded in their minds, which becomes an obstacle on their ways to success. They also do not know what they really want and they get trapped in this chaos. This is my destiny, isn’t it? No way, I am still craving for success, but as they said, don’t think a lot but concentrate on action, something that I have to learn from the girl I mentioned above.

I just want to say I want to free my mind from the old thinking. How. how and how? I am really badly desperate.

Yesterday, 1 hour before sleeping, I scanned a chapter of a Chinese novel without resorting to dictionary. My Chinese reading comprehension, once again, becomes the saving grace.

If you are patient enough to read this post, thank you very much. I would feel better if I can receive some pieces of advice. I am sorry if the subscribers were annoyed with the bad mood in this post. I don’t like to express such bad mood in public but today, I just want to throw it out and forget it. I don’t know if I can forget it but in this case I know that I have to come to find a friend to confide and receive something.

2 responses to “Rolling in the deep … desperation

  1. Perfectionism means striving ahead continuously and tiredness is inevitable.
    Rather than looking back and regretting, create new and better things. I do believe everything in the pass happened for a reason.

    Song for you

    If We Hold On Together

    Don’t lose your way
    With each passing day
    You’ve come so far
    Don’t throw it away
    Live believing
    Dreams are for weaving
    Wonders are waiting to start
    Live your story
    Faith, hope & glory
    Hold to the truth in your heart



    • Thank you for your song and advice! You know, when I told I had to find some friends to confide with, the first one I think of is you. It is just my feeling for a while and after jotting down, I feel a little better.


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