Mind reflection after another failure. And it is quite messy to follow, I warn, as my mind is like a chaos now.

I do think that I have to write something for such terrible week.

I fail in the internship into Big 4. Failure is something that is relentlessly repeated in my life. I have said to myself for hundreds of times that failure just makes me stronger and I will do better next time.

I know Big 4 is by no means an easy game especially when I have not prepared well for the technical part of the game. Well, if things just stopped when I took the technical test and I failed, I would not be such moody like this. The thing here is that I fail in the final interview, in which I have not been asked any of technical knowledge but behavioral questions only. I was quite confident to present all things I have achieved, all the efforts I have made during the last 3 years. I have done real things, not for sort of CV decoration but what I am trying is real and I do it because I love it and really want to make impact. When I failed, I felt lost somehow. I questioned myself again and again. Am I that terrible? Or they seek for people with kind of potential or kind of natural-born “gut” and I, unfortunately, do not possess one like this. I question if the thing I have done just does not match with what I would like to be. Or my interview sounds so cliché for them. Real business life is not thing that I have read on kind of personal development website. What I have said is just thing coming from the unreal thing to them and passion sometimes mean to be cliché. Or I just think too far when mentioning management consulting as my long-term goal while they need loyalty. Really feel lost of direction. Or I am just among the influx of students living with the dream of Big 4 without realizing that we are just following the herd behavior and auditing and thing related are not thing that fits us? Or the simpler thing is that my capacity is just limited and I will just achieve the small one that happens along the way rather than the big one that I target at. Suddenly, I really feel lost and just want to cry. I have not had such an ideal start like the successful one then no matter how hard I try, I will just reach a mediocre level. I know that it is such pessimistic to say it out but it is just all the things that are taking place in my mind at the moment. I am trying to be positive, to be optimistic, but at the moment, I just feel the tragedy on the movie of dispiriting one who could never satisfy himself. No, it is not mine. Will I have to low down my expectation or can I get advanced more and more? My ladder does not stop here or I can step further.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

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2 thoughts on “Mind reflection after another failure. And it is quite messy to follow, I warn, as my mind is like a chaos now.

  1. Be strong my sister 😀 Never before did i learn about such feelings from you. To me you’ve always been a girl of passion, of fire, of moving forward. When one door closes, the other doors open. Big 4, from my limited viewpoint, would kill all your creativity and passion to change. Management consultancy is better aligned with companies like Mckinsey. Have you tried it? I wish you all the best and hope to receive good news from you 😀

    • Thank you very much for your comment! These thoughts just reflect another stream of thoughts in mine, other pessimistic side of mine. I have written it down and feel better now >:D<. Management consultant is kind of my dream however it would take much more steps to accomplish before getting it. Once again thank you very much and wish you all the best too ❤

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