Should it be the life I am longing for? Should it be worth working that hard? Should it be a blissful ignorance or a callous disregard? I realize I keep asking myself too much recently…
Just another Friday comes. Just another weekend to head for after busy days at work.
It is Friday and I tried to come back home earlier than other weekdays. By the way, for your information, it is kind of early for a tax consultant to leave office at 8p.m at such peak season.
Recently, I often wonder: Should it be the life I am longing for?
I do love what I do so far and I just keep working hard every day for I think it is really interesting to get work completed and be recognized. And for the first question, I do love my life or at least, I never complain about what life brings about. I have a decent job, good health, having my family support me.
I try to perform well at work, partly for the positive review from other colleagues, from the senior ones in the company, however, mainly for the need of satisfying my self-esteem, just like the way I am from primary school, never failing to perform well. And it is also the idea I relish thinking about everyday: Once perform, outperform.
Should it be worth? As observed by mine from many famous Chinese dramas, people keep asking one question and trying to find the answer to such question throughout the dramas. It is not the question of being good or bad, but the question “Should it be worth?” Should it be worth sacrificing for the one you love? Should it be worth chasing pavement even if it leads no where? Sometime they say definitely that: “It is worth no matter what.” Sometimes they bitterly say: “It is not worth.” To me, it is such a meaningless idea of thinking about the effort expended being worth or not. It is not worth looking back and regretting about thing you have done but looking forward and smiling, saying: “Thanks as it happened.” I love what I do for every moment and I will refrain from asking such question if it is worth or not. Particularly, in this circumstance, I will not ask myself: “Should it be worth working that hard?”
I’d rather ask myself a question: “Should there be anything missing in my life?”
Sometimes, I really want to get out of my room, taking a walk around somewhere in Hanoi, feeling the sunshine embracing my face or sitting right beside the lake and observing what people do. Like it or not, I have to admit that I am too lazy to get myself off from my warm bed in a winter day.
Sometimes, I really want to hang out with some friends, whom I have not met for a long time, but I do not summon enough courage to send an invitation for I am not sure what I will talk to them during such talk to keep them excited or at least concentrated. And sometimes I wonder if they are interested in my invitation.
Sometimes, I think it would be better to stay here, writing something or typing something. Sometimes, I am afraid of getting new friends as I am afraid that they will not consider me friend as the way I consider them.
And I don’t think that way is okay. That way is absolutely not okay.
I was brought up as an independent girl. It is just not about making decision or depending financially. It is also about the way I am not reliant on other people’s feeling but act in the way that suits my feeling and be relevant of the common standard of the society or not too emotionally attached to anything. You may imagine me the one who is indifferent to other people. It is right sometimes. However, I see my mood swing relentlessly most of the time. I can be easily burst into laugh but sometimes get calm immediately. I let myself behave freely, following my own mood, not caring about what other people says. Should it be a blissful ignorance or a callous disregard?
I am afraid that I will repeatedly follow this routine day by day and eventually forget all of my craziest dreams. I am afraid that I will not be inspired anymore. I am afraid that I cannot find this one in the world, the one for me only and going through my 20s alone. This idea, silently confessed, gently came across my mind sometimes.
And I even think if it is okay to type such words when I am still at my twenty something…