This post has been written in more than one sitting. I hope that it does not need the any further one.
The reason for such hesitation to have it published is neither for fine-tuning the writing nor my lack of ideas to develop it. The reason may be my shyness for such theme mentioned in my blog. Should you be a frequent visitor of this blog, you will find out the theme that mentioned below is quite unusual.
I have thought of naming it “random thoughts that happen to be love-related” or something with higher sense of sarcasm like “a story of a “fixed-asset””, however, I have not been quite persuaded by these titles.
Why not “Random thoughts that happen to be love-related”? While the theme was quite random in comparison with the frequency of other themes mentioned throughout this blog i.e. personal development or trivial thoughts relating to life, the thoughts are not random, actually. It gets accumulated for the last few days and turns out to be too abundant to be of randomness.
Nor can it be “a story of a fixed asset”. Please do not associate what I mention in this title with things related to accounting treatment. What I actually mean here is the same word that happens to share the same abbreviation with Forever Alone, a word shared among the young to specifically refer to ones not being in a relationship. I have thought of writing about the Forever Alone (hereafter referred to as FA or Fixed Asset), how it is like to be a “fixed asset”, how they thought about navigation into love, so on and so on. However, I am not that confident to represent for such an asset and should it be the case, I do not think I can write something original or interesting.
And I decide that it is “Entry into love”. For the rhythm of “Way back into love” came across my mind all of a sudden and I remember I even have not got an entry into this field yet, then, it is the reason for “entry into love” (where the barrier to entry is too high for some including me to afford).
I just want to say about my own feeling. I have a crush, which means to have a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special (as defined on a website named Wikihow). I am glad that I am not shy of admitting it. And I am glad because that I have a crush on someone means I have not been old yet.
I am not one who gets nervous for not getting into a relationship, even when my friends keep posting their wedding photos with gorgeous wedding gowns and sweet honeymoon trips. I am always annoyed when my relatives keep asking me about my current status and they will say something kind of “you should be like this or you should be like that at your ages” or be disappointed at hearing me about registering for a language course or having any intention of studying abroad. My relatives always compare me as a fixed asset that keeps depreciating day by day and some day when the salvage value becomes zero; such fixed asset will be disposed at a loss. I always think such comparison is kind of ridiculous and keep silence when such comparison is made. I am not that nervous as I think that I will meet someone someday and it is kind of weird to compromise my own dreams or ambitions for love as I think love, in its pure existence, does not go against any personal dreams or achievement and should it be the case where something cannot be achieved for love’s sake, it does not mean that we have to sacrifice something for the sake of love but it is our choice to rearrange our life’s portfolio to satisfy our own demand.
But what if we cannot meet the right one? I have heard stories about people who are still “on the shelf” at their thirty accept to get married to ones they may have some feelings for but I do not think the feeling shared among them is as ardent love shared among the young couples. To support for these stories, there exist many stories or many quotes purporting to say that it is not love that motivates marriage to go that far or we do not marry the ones who we love the most. Though I have not experienced one in my life but I shiver at the thought that I will marry someone at my thirties for the urge of time rather than for the urge of love. Maybe the right one does not exist and we will give up on finding the right one but start to seek the fine one.
Sometimes I also wonder about how people get into love. Should it be that romantic like what I have seen on the movie? How do they know they have special feeling towards someone? How do they know that this someone shares the same feeling to them? How do they make the other one know that they have feeling for this one? How do they know that it is the right time to say love to each other? Should the first time to say love come from the boy or the girl? How will I look like when the Cupid goes by and decides to shot someone with his arrow? What kind of conversation will I share with him? Will he stand the awkwardness of mine for loving to keep silence and thinking all the time and suddenly being talkative in some impulsive moments? It is kind of circling thoughts that bothers me for once or twice. Unlike the other circling thoughts simply solved by actions (as what I have said in my previous post about over-thinking), may I take actions toward this circling thought and how could it be?
Coming back to the crush, it has been a long time since my last having crush on someone. It is a little uneasy when I have a crush as I have some nights in a row without sleeping well and I wonder if this night will be the next one. This crush may not last for long as far as my own (“discouraging”) experience. May it diminish and disappear like it has never appeared. I have told myself of setting lower expectations every time the crush goes by but every time it comes, it makes my life a sudden yet gentle mess. May this crush be the same or I will get further this time? I do not know what to do next or what comes up next but perhaps try enjoying this ambiguous time.