After spending more than 14 hours scramming for the upcoming exam, which is of the same importance as the national entrance exam into university that I took 6 years ago, I do think that I deserve a few minutes to get relaxed by jotting down some random thoughts coming across my mind all out of the sudden during such crazy holiday ever in the last 6 years (Though I do not think it is not a very good idea of chilling out.)
14 hours/day – I do not mean to exaggerate, the pressure of the upcoming exam has somehow transformed into kinda adrenaline that runs through my vein, constantly reminding me of not being lazy as there are only 36 remaining days until the examination date. By accident, I find out that 6 June is also called the famous D-Day in the history and wonder if the examiner may have choose this day on purpose.
Scramming for exam would not be a surefire formula for success in examination, however, to a certain extent; it does have some positive impacts on my spirit, adding more certainty to my readiness for the examination. Sometimes, I asked myself what if I could not go through this exam, maybe I am not suitable for this career track, maybe I am not as good as I expect, etc., wonder if all of my efforts have been wasted. Then, I reassure myself with one idea, purporting that: “People are not afraid of risk, they are loss-averse. And risk lovers are ones who love the game itself rather than the profit/loss that may be generated from the game.” and making a small amendment by changing “risk” to “learn”. Tell me I am insane, I have it enough. 😛
Sometimes, in the middle of textbooks, notes, etc., I suddenly thought of happiness, the key to happiness and happiness in the form of satisfaction. I wonder why I could not satisfy with myself for a moment or feel truly happy for a while. Should I give up or keep chasing pavement, stopping running in this rat race or worrying about the future and trying enjoying the present to the fullest? Sometimes, I look around, seeing all the books piling up the table and wonder if I miss something in my life. I do love learning or reading but sometimes, there exist weird moments when I look at my friends’ photos about their upcoming weddings/ the new-born baby, feeling warm and thinking that the ultimate happiness should lie in these down-home values. What is the meaning of living in loneliness in a faraway country without family and friends surrounding? But maybe the answer to many questions of life could only be found in these moments of loneliness, which should be once experienced by a young one.
And then I am afraid of the circling thoughts or the boring schedules that seem to take place in such period of time. I hate all the intoxicated and circling thoughts that currently permeate my life. I hate people keeping complaining about their lives without trying their best to find solutions towards all these boredom and hate that their pessimistic thoughts get me down for some times. I also hate the way I try concealing my real thoughts, my real desires, and try satisfying everyone.
But after all, everything will be alright and should be alright. Maybe the beautiful things have not come yet.