2015.05.02. Random thoughts

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After spending more than 14 hours scramming for the upcoming exam, which is of the same importance as the national entrance exam into university that I took 6 years ago, I do think that I deserve a few minutes to get relaxed by jotting down some random thoughts coming across my mind all out of the sudden during such crazy holiday ever in the last 6 years (Though I do not think it is not a very good idea of chilling out.)

14 hours/day – I do not mean to exaggerate, the pressure of the upcoming exam has somehow transformed into kinda adrenaline that runs through my vein, constantly reminding me of not being lazy as there are only 36 remaining days until the examination date. By accident, I find out that 6 June is also called the famous D-Day in the history and wonder if the examiner may have choose this day on purpose.

Scramming for exam would not be a surefire formula for success in examination, however, to a certain extent; it does have some positive impacts on my spirit, adding more certainty to my readiness for the examination. Sometimes, I asked myself what if I could not go through this exam, maybe I am not suitable for this career track, maybe I am not as good as I expect, etc., wonder if all of my efforts have been wasted. Then, I reassure myself with one idea, purporting that: “People are not afraid of risk, they are loss-averse. And risk lovers are ones who love the game itself rather than the profit/loss that may be generated from the game.” and making a small amendment by changing “risk” to “learn”. Tell me I am insane, I have it enough. :P

Sometimes, in the middle of textbooks, notes, etc., I suddenly thought of happiness, the key to happiness and happiness in the form of satisfaction. I wonder why I could not satisfy with myself for a moment or feel truly happy for a while. Should I give up or keep chasing pavement, stopping running in this rat race or worrying about the future and trying enjoying the present to the fullest? Sometimes, I look around, seeing all the books piling up the table and wonder if I miss something in my life. I do love learning or reading but sometimes, there exist weird moments when I look at my friends’ photos about their upcoming weddings/ the new-born baby, feeling warm and thinking that the ultimate happiness should lie in these down-home values. What is the meaning of living in loneliness in a faraway country without family and friends surrounding? But maybe the answer to many questions of life could only be found in these moments of loneliness, which should be once experienced by a young one.

And then I am afraid of the circling thoughts or the boring schedules that seem to take place in such period of time. I hate all the intoxicated and circling thoughts that currently permeate my life. I hate people keeping complaining about their lives without trying their best to find solutions towards all these boredom and hate that their pessimistic thoughts get me down for some times. I also hate the way I try concealing my real thoughts, my real desires, and try satisfying everyone.

But after all, everything will be alright and should be alright. Maybe the beautiful things have not come yet.

2015.04.07 Random thoughts

It is not always a good idea to start writing something when the clock begins to turn to another day. And should my boss find my post written at so late the time, it would be by no means an easy task to explain for my not-so-ready mood for work in the next morning.

  1. I remember one sentence from Jane Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility” in relation to being young and unaffected. Being in the state of being affected should be the most annoying yet bizarre experience of mine for the first months of the year. Unaffected and you see thing without bias, allowing opportunities coming to you from all walks. Affected and you are much more insecure, your world is limited to the view of the one that causes such affection. Should it be a reciprocal affection, it would be nice. However, when the affection coming from other side cannot be confirmed but estimated, the affection is nothing but a real nuisance.
  2. People keep asking me “why” a thousand times when they know I start studying CFA like the way people asked me about my motivation of learning Chinese. It took me about 2 years to make such decision. I even wrote out the expected outcomes and the potential risks of such decision, however, when the decision was made, the reason turned out to be very simple: The fear of being ignorant. The more I learn, the more I feel myself incompetent. 2 months counted down to the examination date and I am still in the middle of nowhere but I am quite sure that I am far better than I was 4 months ago.
  3. Recently, I finished reading “The Outliers” of Malcolm Gladwell. As noted in my previous post, I was not convinced by the book for its repetition of the obvious facts or the careless linkage drawn from the fact to the conclusion, it does make me think on some points in relation to the confidence that linked to the legacy or the relationship between the environment where ones were brought up and their personalities or one’s attitude towards life. I would love to have my next post to be titled “The Ivy League vs. The Spinach League; The Beauty vs. The Plain Jane; Men vs. Women: How the differences are realized when it comes to the workplace.”, which have been drawn from some observations of mine from the workplace.

Maybe it’s time for bed and the above should be enough to have myself kick off after long time no writing at all.

Funny coincidences

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Funny coincidences occurred to me while reading Sense and Sensibility of Jane Austen :))
– “Certainly not; but if you observe, people always live for ever when there is any annuity to be paid them; ….. An annuity is a very serious business; it comes over and over every year, and there is no getting rid of it. You are not aware of what you are doing. I have known a great deal of the trouble of annuities; … Twice every year, these annuities were to be paid; and then there was the trouble of getting it to them; … It has given me such an abhorrence of annuities, that I am sure I would not pin myself down to the payment of one for all the world.” (Learn about annuity at the same time and wonder how people of 18th century were so good at finance :)))
– “The setting always casts a different shade on it.” (Go by this sentence at the same day when the crowd got mad about white-gold vs. black-blue)
And I feel highly amused at reading this part:”…idleness was pronounced on the whole to be the most advantageous and honourable, and a young man of eighteen is not in general so earnestly bent on being busy as to resist the solicitations of his friends to do nothing. I was therefore entered at Oxford and have been properly idle ever since…”

“… for to be unaffected was all that a pretty girl could want to make her mind as captivating as her person”, I think I may be listed among the most captivating ones in this world.

Sense and Sensibility was too good for a debut and I cannot help being captivated by the author’s good sense of humor and her attractive way of writing. Now it comes clearer to me that why some people may recite Jane Austen’s novels by heart.

 

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Frictional something…

It has been 1 month since my very last post “Entry into love”. It has been 1 month for the most recent crush. Such passing period of time should be one of the toughest periods for my heart when it ran the whole gamut from crushing, having all the hopes shattered to being lightened up with little hope. It made me recall about the time when I was applying for jobs after graduation. It made me think a lot about “frictional unemployment”.  Sometimes I do hope that such feeling will be over soon, hence, I can come back to my old life before such crush. Sometimes I do hope the uncertainty may linger for a longer while as I do not want to come back to the monotonous period of time. Sometimes I wonder myself that how things do not come in my own ways when it comes to the matter of affection. I try to find the answers but the more I delve into the problem, the more I get into the maze.  And sometimes, however, I do realize that it is not a problem, so it would be by no means easy to find an answer. Maybe as I say, it is frictional and it will just happen for a while soon before it disappears.44867.jpg

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Entry into love

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This post has been written in more than one sitting. I hope that it does not need the any further one.

The reason for such hesitation to have it published is neither for fine-tuning the writing nor my lack of ideas to develop it. The reason may be my shyness for such theme mentioned in my blog. Should you be a frequent visitor of this blog, you will find out the theme that mentioned below is quite unusual.

I have thought of naming it “random thoughts that happen to be love-related” or something with higher sense of sarcasm like “a story of a “fixed-asset””, however, I have not been quite persuaded by these titles.

Why not “Random thoughts that happen to be love-related”? While the theme was quite random in comparison with the frequency of other themes mentioned throughout this blog i.e. personal development or trivial thoughts relating to life, the thoughts are not random, actually. It gets accumulated for the last few days and turns out to be too abundant to be of randomness.

Nor can it be “a story of a fixed asset”. Please do not associate what I mention in this title with things related to accounting treatment. What I actually mean here is the same word that happens to share the same abbreviation with Forever Alone, a word shared among the young to specifically refer to ones not being in a relationship. I have thought of writing about the Forever Alone (hereafter referred to as FA or Fixed Asset), how it is like to be a “fixed asset”, how they thought about navigation into love, so on and so on. However, I am not that confident to represent for such an asset and should it be the case, I do not think I can write something original or interesting.

And I decide that it is “Entry into love”. For the rhythm of “Way back into love” came across my mind all of a sudden and I remember I even have not got an entry into this field yet, then, it is the reason for “entry into love” (where the barrier to entry is too high for some including me to afford).

I just want to say about my own feeling. I have a crush, which means to have a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special (as defined on a website named Wikihow). I am glad that I am not shy of admitting it. And I am glad because that I have a crush on someone means I have not been old yet.

I am not one who gets nervous for not getting into a relationship, even when my friends keep posting their wedding photos with gorgeous wedding gowns and sweet honeymoon trips. I am always annoyed when my relatives keep asking me about my current status and they will say something kind of “you should be like this or you should be like that at your ages” or be disappointed at hearing me about registering for a language course or having any intention of studying abroad. My relatives always compare me as a fixed asset that keeps depreciating day by day and some day when the salvage value becomes zero; such fixed asset will be disposed at a loss. I always think such comparison is kind of ridiculous and keep silence when such comparison is made. I am not that nervous as I think that I will meet someone someday and it is kind of weird to compromise my own dreams or ambitions for love as I think love, in its pure existence, does not go against any personal dreams or achievement and should it be the case where something cannot be achieved for love’s sake, it does not mean that we have to sacrifice something for the sake of love but it is our choice to rearrange our life’s portfolio to satisfy our own demand.

But what if we cannot meet the right one? I have heard stories about people who are still “on the shelf” at their thirty accept to get married to ones they may have some feelings for but I do not think the feeling shared among them is as ardent love shared among the young couples. To support for these stories, there exist many stories or many quotes purporting to say that it is not love that motivates marriage to go that far or we do not marry the ones who we love the most. Though I have not experienced one in my life but I shiver at the thought that I will marry someone at my thirties for the urge of time rather than for the urge of love. Maybe the right one does not exist and we will give up on finding the right one but start to seek the fine one.

Sometimes I also wonder about how people get into love. Should it be that romantic like what I have seen on the movie? How do they know they have special feeling towards someone? How do they know that this someone shares the same feeling to them? How do they make the other one know that they have feeling for this one? How do they know that it is the right time to say love to each other? Should the first time to say love come from the boy or the girl? How will I look like when the Cupid goes by and decides to shot someone with his arrow? What kind of conversation will I share with him? Will he stand the awkwardness of mine for loving to keep silence and thinking all the time and suddenly being talkative in some impulsive moments? It is kind of circling thoughts that bothers me for once or twice. Unlike the other circling thoughts simply solved by actions (as what I have said in my previous post about over-thinking), may I take actions toward this circling thought and how could it be?

Coming back to the crush, it has been a long time since my last having crush on someone. It is a little uneasy when I have a crush as I have some nights in a row without sleeping well and I wonder if this night will be the next one. This crush may not last for long as far as my own (“discouraging”) experience. May it diminish and disappear like it has never appeared. I have told myself of setting lower expectations every time the crush goes by but every time it comes, it makes my life a sudden yet gentle mess. May this crush be the same or I will get further this time? I do not know what to do next or what comes up next but perhaps try enjoying this ambiguous time.

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2015

It is the first post of mine in 2015. It is simply the first one cause there was no post written in 1 January and it was not until 23:00 of 2 January that I felt like writing something. It was quite abnormal for I have not made any review for 2014 or listed any resolution for 2015 as I did to 2011, 2012, and 2013.

Instead of writing a review and making up a list, I spent my first day of 2015 wandering around my favorite corners in Hanoi. I walked into the book stores to find a book that I rarely have any idea about it but brief introduction on Wikipedia, accidentally went by a book which have been popular among my friend’s book bucket challenge, and picked a book which I have read in Vietnamese before.

The first one is “Great Expectations” written by Charles Dickens. I remember turning on the television one day and seeing the movie with the same title broadcast on television and the next day I found it in a corner of my favorite book store. The idea of “being kind to others will pay off” (I may have read somewhere during my search about this book) has lingered in my mind recently and made me try my best to find this book. Such effort paid off when I finally pulled down the other books just to find it hidden in the farthest corner of the bookshelf.
The second one is “Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell. I have heard about this title a couple of time during my time at university and seen it listed on the book bucket challenge list made by many friends of mine. The subtitle “The story of success” made me dubious once or twice for my disbelief in a sure-fire formula leading to success or any kind of one-size-fit-all definition of success for everyone. Skepticism remains, however, I challenge myself reading something that I do not believe in and try reading the book without bias or any prejudice. I have already been through the first half: “Opportunity” and wondered about what made the book that successful for its repetition of the obvious things that everyone knows. While I was not stunned at the statistics that the writer made throughout the book and disagreed with some points like the cut-off age, the book, however, made me think hard on some points like the effect of family background on the assertiveness of the children, which in turn may be translated into success and reminded me about the importance of preparation for success taking off.
The third one is “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer & The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” by Mark Twain. I used to read this book when I was a child and I now want to gauge it again in English.
The three books bought in the first day of the year somehow reflect my expectations for 2015. 2015 will be a year with great expectations of mine with loads of plans for the future kicked off. I do not think of myself being an Outlier but I do want to get some insights into the story of success and build one myself and I hope that this year will come as a revelation to me as what an adventure may bring about, except for the terrible or adventurous thing.
Happy new year and wish me and everybody all the best to our future endeavors!

word cloud for year 2015

2014.12.29. Random thoughts – An attempt to get over the state of over-thinking – Rationalizing the irrational thoughts

Liz on top of the world 

Maybe I have to leave some notes on this blog to make sure that I have not left this page starve for long.

This post is not an organized one (like a lot of posts in this blog). It just attempted to bring all the randomly fragmented thoughts in my mind recently.

I take a special liking to thinking. When I am alone, I think about everything, the relationships that bind them together, the common things shared among seemingly unrelated ones. I think when I commute to work, when I take a bath, when I do the housework. I hate that there exist no machine that helps people capturing all their streams of thoughts out directly when these thoughts are coming out naturally and my mind is always blank when I get down to writing.

I think that thinking is good. The practice of get your mind work every day should do more good than harm. Over-thinking, however, is not good. Thinking too much without actions taken accordingly only makes yourself stagnant and screw your minds with all the circling thoughts.

I thought a lot about my steps after university and I rarely take actions towards any goals that I set out. This year turns out to be a bland one with few goals in my resolution list crossed out.

Then, I decided to take actions. Even these actions are small but I do feel I am getting to my goals closer.

I registered for Chinese class in August and took the Chinese exam in November.

I started learning CFA.

As mentioned in the resolution list for 2013, I wrote about taking exam for CFA level 1 in December 2014, however, due to my insufficient saving, I have delayed this plan until June 2015. Such 6-month delay in application for the examination turns out to be another test to my determination to pursue this designation.  Sometimes I wonder if it is worth my time spending long hours learning such huge amount of knowledge while at the same time it may be interesting to wander around my favorite street corners and reading all the books in my bucket lists. I wonder if it is worth all my saving going through this journey while I may expend this amount of money spending on traveling or doing something else. I have found loads of information to find the answers myself, including checking some pieces of advice available in the Internet and seeking for the insights from ones who have been through one or a couple of levels in this designation and the more I ask the other people, the more I feel confused. I finally decide to rationalize the pursuit of CFA myself based on my own perspective. When people found reasons to pursue this designation, they put much emphasis on their intention to develop themselves in sort of careers in investment or finance and some of my friends also make it highlighted to me that the journey I am about to embark on is by no means an easy one and without a strong motivation of working in this industry, it would be a waste of time, effort and money (of course). However, when I think about my desire to understand financial industry in a systematical way, my willing to undergo another study-related challenge after university and even the uncertainty of the future, inclusive of any new opportunities opening upon such embarkation, I summon all of my courage and savings (the fundamental oneJ) and embrace this challenge. The very first learning sessions somehow proves my choice to be an enjoyable one. I do enjoy the feeling of reveling in something totally new, the idea of being enlightened and the idea of having some goals to reach for in 2015. Though it makes me shivering at the thought of heavy workloads awaiting in the upcoming peak season, I try taking my good times as much as possible with this enjoyable learning experience.

I have just mentioned the act of rationalizing. I always try rationalizing every action I take every day. I want to make it clear that such action of rationalizing is not the practice of making excuse for the absurd or insane thoughts. I always think that everything happens for a reason and every action should be taken by choice rather than by order of other forces than our own rational minds. To be always of rationality, in my perspective, is by no means an easy task but taking into account the irrational factors in decision making makes such process a rational one.

Maybe I will incorporate the irrational behaviors of mine to set out a more reasonable resolution list for the upcoming year. It will surely make room for irrational thoughts and unreasonably impulsive moments to take place.

Nice week! :D